I unfollowed you, and this is my breakup letter.
Honestly, you know, I was hoping I could maybe wait out the Avengers fad, like I did all that Sherlock business. Never thought I’d miss that, and I figured I would even come to appreciate Beenawhile Bramblepatch and whoever that Anderson Cooper-looking guy is who plays Watson.
Then I learned you were just leaving stuff untagged specifically to flood my dash, and I was like, “Nah, that’s cool, there are ways around that,” so I just put your username on Tumblr Savior, thinking maybe you’d come out of your Avengers stupor at some point and I could actually follow you again, and the whole time I was crossing my fingers hoping you’d get obsessed with something that peeked into my realm of awesomeness, like, I dunno, dinosaurs or Legos or something, because I can get on board with that shit. BUT, anyway, your whole blog, bam, right there, right underneath Tom Hiddleston and the word “feels”, and FUCK that word, by the way. I never thought anybody could make me hate such a simple word with such blind, unbridled rage but, Jesus Riverdancing Christ, I’ll be honeyfuggled if you didn’t find a way to do it.
So I used the Savior to block your patronus about three weeks ago, and that worked fine, only difference being that it took Tumblr an extra second or two to load. Well, truthfully, that all depended on whether or not I was trying to check my dash during your off-hours or not, which, I came to the conclusion, were any hours between around 4:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m. or so, and they became what I liked to call, “Ashe Isn’t Posting Pictures Of Tom Hiddleston’s Fucking Eyes” Phases. They were like little conjugal visits with me and my dash; we were alone, together, and I was free to look at it without a .gif of Loki shouting angrily at somebody popping up randomly when Tumblr Savior let something slip through the cracks.
I remember one night specifically… I logged on, I don’t remember what time, but I logged on and-see, when you use Tumblr Savior, it refreshes your dash until it filters out all the posts you don’t want to see-this one night in particular, Tumblr Savior had to refresh my entire dash nine times before it showed me any content that was relevant to my interests. It just kept blinking and spazzing out like an epileptic at a Blue Man Group concert.
That wasn’t the straw that broke the llama’s back, though. No, what did it for me was the lack of Tumblr Savior support on the iPhone. The Tumblr app isn’t stellar to begin with and you can only scroll so far before the app just says, “FUCK IT! I’M DONE!” and crashes. There were a number of days where I’d be using the app on my phone and I literally would not be able to make it through all of your posts to see any Batman or pictures of Paula Deen riding things before the app couldn’t take it anymore and just blacked the fuck out like a freshman at a keg party, which usually resulted in me going, “GodDAMNIT, Ashe!” then I’d play Draw Something for a little bit until I unceremoniously dropped that game like a sack of puppies off Hoover Dam, but I digress.
Anyway, I won’t be pestering you with my apparently bothersome existence as a follower anymore, but I hope you got at least a chuckle out of reading this. I even put a post timer on it because I wrote it during your off-hours. This should pop up right around the time you’re ready to take a breather and bound into the kitchen to refill your IV drip of HOT FUCKING TEA! I just hope the staggering number of images of Tony Stark sensually rubbing Steve Rodgers’s ass don’t get in the way of you seeing it.
Love Always,
Luke
P.S. I might have considered seeing The Avengers, but I now detest the idea of going within a hundred yards of a theater showing the film. The flood of posts related to the movie has been nothing less than utterly retarded. Seriously, Noah’s flood didn’t have shit on you fanatics.
P.P.S. Jeremy Renner ate chocolate Santas in that fucking movie. I KNOW WHAT I SAW!!
Everyone, stop and reblog this, it won’t make your blog ugly. Taylor is fighting a rare form of cancer and she is struggling to survive. Reblog this photo if you hope she will win her battle with cancer.
Pray for Taylor Love.
Oh my god, she’s adorable!
(via harleyqlove)
Just so we’re clear, it’s totally delicious.
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dreamerenpointe replied to your post: Bloody Marys are so delightful.
WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THISGet your cuddly Asian ass back to Nac. I’ve plenty of vodka and my couch is big enough for two.
OMG I totally read that as “bloody Mary’s are so delight” I’m so Asian what do I do. I’m coming back sooooon.
Be swift. There’s too much liquor and not enough of you in my life. Fix this shit real-quick-fast-and-in-a-hurry.
dreamerenpointe replied to your post: Bloody Marys are so delightful.
WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THIS
Get your cuddly Asian ass back to Nac. I’ve plenty of vodka and my couch is big enough for two.
BRB, pouring more liquor into my head.
Couldn’t they have picked a better song? Like “Footloose,” that’s what I would’ve picked.
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The truest of truths in video games.
Anything after twenty turns results in a situation begging for one of your friends to get pissed off and skullfuck somebody with a controller.
Remember the first game when you’d rotate the stick on the 64 controller playing those god-forsaken fishing mini-games? You’d give yourself a friction burn on your palm the size of a Pog that Dr. House couldn’t fix and it hurt worse than having your entire hand set on fire by a flamethrower.
“Maybe once,
even twice,
he said, ‘God does not play dice,’
yet, if he’s everywhere,
he’s in casinos with aces to spare.”
— “God’s Mistake” - Tears for Fears
thebgf replied to your post: For the last two weeks
Oh Luke, you better get that straight before rep. Your life is gonna be HARD.
I’m not in rep this summer. :D
Life is delightful right now!